"You'll Do" A Dating Site For The Rest Of Us

Yesterday I shamelessly stole and riffed on a Facebook friend's idea of starting a dating site for those of us who have given up on true love and just want to leave the house before they start collecting cats or end up the subject of a reality show.

So I've started work on "You'll Do". Our mission statement: " It's not about "I Do", it's about "You'll Do."

So my profile as the creator and founder is first. Lucky me.

My title is going to be: "Loser At Love"

"Call it bad karma, or poor feng shui. Maybe a misalignment of my stars, but everyone I date, marry, cohabitate with, or share body fluids with has either been in jail, is going to jail, just got out of jail, or has spent time at a psychiatric facility, been in rehab, and been in some sort of support group or 12 step program. Many have entered the Witness Protection Program. I never knew the Jehovah's Witnesses had a protective program! BUT, my various medications keep me an eternal optimist....most of the time. So here goes:

Sign: Proceed with caution!! LOL!!!

Turn Ons:

1. Sunsets. No matter where I'm passed out at in the world I try to wake up to see at least one. I also am a big fan of the drink named after sunsets...you know..the one with tequilla in it.
2. Long walks on the beach. I could sit and watch people all day just walking up and down the wet sand, dodging sharp shells and sea gull shit.
3. Romantic evenings sitting by a fire. But not the ones I've set accidentally--oopsie! My bad.
4. Power tools (don't pretend you don't know-wink, wink)

Turn Offs:

1. Phony people.
2. Bad tippers.
3. Cheaters
4. People who don't like kitties or puppies.
5. Stephen Hawking's explanation that the general theory of relativity is the outcome of the Lorentzian ether through relativation.

I am always on a quest for answers! So of my many musings...

1. How do you know a sunrise from a sunset if you have no watch???
2. Why are sea mammals becoming so violent?? First those killer whales drowning people at Seaworld, then seals killing the world's most wanted terrorist that no one could find for like a decade, and how did they get there?? Everyone knows that Pakistan is landlocked.....duh.
3. Why are there so many quarks rather than anti-quarks? Would an equitable division in the universe between matter and anti-matter be inconceivable or even probable under a GUT?

Anyway enough about me. I'm looking for the following qualities:

1. Human or at least a chromesome count in the 20's range.
2. Not presently incarcerated or have an impending incarceration that you are aware of. "Impending" means you are going to jail in the future and have already been sentenced. It means you have used up your appeals and rescheduled hearings.  Never mind.
3. Have personality. At least one.
4. Are literate and articulate.Read and talk.
5. Are colorful but not jaundiced. Nothing against yellow people. I love Asian food!!

Anyhow, I figure this is going to be as big as EHarmony, or Match.com. If you want to join, please send me your profile. Right about now, all the marriages that started from internet dating should be crashing and burning, so there is a need for my site!

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

At some point in my adventures as a newly single woman the inevitable will happen. Yes, that ugly four letter word...DATE.

I'm not ready. I may never be ready.


Unfortunately, misadventures in dating are great writing material. No one wants to read a blog about me discovering myself at mid-life and doing lots of yoga. Elizabeth Gilbert already covered that in her book "Eat, Pray, Love". Her book wouldn't have been nearly as interesting if at the end her handsome knight in shining armor hadn't shown up.

My book would be more like "Eat, Drink Too Much, Wake Up With Mysterious Discharge".

I got approached and asked out last week. He was bold, charming, handsome, and well built.

He was 22.
I thought he was a sales clerk and trailing me around for commission.

When he approached me and introduced himself, I stood there flapping my lips like a trout. I don't know what actually came out of my mouth until I heard myself telling him that he was braver than most grown men. Realizing I had insulted him since he thought he was grown, I hastily amended it to "older men".

We stood around and talked some more because I was too embarassed to just walk away from him. He was from Ocala."Oh, I hear they have awesome zip line eco-tours there", I told him. "Yeah, my dad wants to do that", he answered.

 I wonder if his dad is single?

Which leads me to thinking about what the hell would you talk about on a date with someone Travis' age? I know lots of women my age date younger men, but besides screwing yourself into a hell fire burning urinary tract infection, what the hell do you have for common interests?

After polling friends, this is what we came up with as some icebreakers:

1. "So, have your wisdom teeth come in yet?"
2. "Have your testicles dropped yet?"
3. "Oh? You were in 5th grade during 9-11?"
4. "And your teacher looked just like me?"
5. "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Travis. Nice to meet you, I'll have him back by his curfew."
6. "No, I'm not so good at beer pong."
7. "The club opens at what time?"
8. "Oh, you don't have your ID with you? Well I guess I'll have to buy the six pack."
9. "I would love to come over and watch you and your friends play "Call of Duty".
10. "How many room mates do you have?"

I could go on forever, but the moral to this story is:

Never date anyone that you could have potentially given birth to.

Somebody should have told Demi Moore that. They could have saved her a lot of heartache and trips to the doctor for cystitis.